Tuesday, May 31, 2005
When numbness sinks in.
So come home running, His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus; And He understands
He is the answer, You are looking for
So come home running, Just as you are
I realized that when I am sick, especially with fever, I will not make every effort to see doctor or to take medicine. I just feel numbed about it and I have grown to like the rise in temperature in me. It is crazy to feel that, I know.
To certain extend, I have reach a point in my life that being misunderstood does not matter to me anymore. This is accumulated from hauls of insults and being doubtful towards me, which have left me to be calloused, to ignore and to stay in the boundary of my own.
Times again I have been doubted of my intellectual and my capabilty just by the result slip. I know it does matter because it assures one their constant performances, but does that justify the end? No, it does not. At the end of it, even if you score 6As, it will all but a paper that holds no significant purposes. Do one not agree? Unless one talks and boast about day and night. And even so, one will grow tired of it and finds a void that longs to be filled.
No longer will I want to explain to the things I do, the decisions I make and the actions I show. I believe in myself; I am able to make sound judgement and decisions. I do not want to spend time explaning my moves and my decisions to people who do not believes in me, it will be just a waste of time.
When I hold dreams in my mind, my heart, I want to pursue them with the beginning faith I have in myself. But when I am asked again, for too many times, I start to doubt and I give an uncertain answer. It is then I hide them, in this little corner of my heart.
So, stop asking me where do I want to go after my O level, what do I want to be when I grow up next time, or what is(are) my dream(s) if you do not have every intention to believe(or start believing) in me. It is tiring to me to make my every explanation convincing with my present situation because it requires a kind of faith and hope one need to have in me.
Again I will say, feel me in you. Do not try every attempt to bring me down with you if you do not have your dreams and goals to pursue, I will walk away from you(your heart).
maoed.]
at 9:40 PM
